The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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