Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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