you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Randomize
