My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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