A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
