drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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