My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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