Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
