well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
