I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
