I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
