Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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