Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
