Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
