Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
