just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
MIDGETS
????
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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