you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
