Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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