i'm signing you up for texting rehab
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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