Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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