It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
