Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
