Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
3 2 1 whiskey
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
