remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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