I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
