My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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