He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
