Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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