I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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