a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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