I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
