At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
