is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sarcasm needs its own font
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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