I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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