hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
