I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
