Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
