I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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