omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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