Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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