Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
