so explain again why im purple
no
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
