oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
