my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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