Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
