I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
