I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
