Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
