people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
