so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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