They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
